I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
