She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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