with your own penis?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize