I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
