1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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