i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
