so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
