I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
