One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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