I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
