do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
