one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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