Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
