My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
