Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
