She went from zero to smokin in five shots
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Randomize
