Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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