I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
