did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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