wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
