My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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