I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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