my room smells like sperm. sweet.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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