How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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