I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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