Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
