A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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