his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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