You don't have asthma, your pregnant
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
