I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
