I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
