Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
