3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
