anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
