I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
