Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
