barbara walters just said penis...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
