It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So much rum. So many feels.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
