Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
