Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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