so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
