so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
