Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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