I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
