i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
