I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
