I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
