im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
