when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
