I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
