So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
