Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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