I'm really into asian looking animals
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
