Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
